Fear of an Open Wound

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So many of us have some kind of fear.  Heights, closed spaces, needles, clowns.  It’s something that no matter how many times someone can convince us otherwise, sometimes even prove, we can never get over it.  That feeling of your heart pounding, just even at the thought, will have you thinking again about facing those fears.

When I was a little girl, I remember riding my bike down the sidewalk right in front of our house.  Like many kids, I fell off my bike and didn’t land as gracefully as anyone hoped.  On my left arm, my elbow slashed the concrete, right away giving the sight of raw white skin and blood.  Hysterical and scared, I had help getting cleaned up, moving on from one of many traumatizing moments as a kid.  Well, 20 years later, I write this with a pretty big scar, skin protruding irregular, on my left elbow.

I did get back on my bike, several in fact.  Always cautious never to fall and always stayed within my own quiet neighborhood.  Slowly, but surely, my urge to get back on slowly drifted away.  It could have been the fact that I grew out of it, I moved to a more urban area, hell, I had my own car!  What I can definitely say now, is I don’t really have the urge to ride a bike again.  Walking, running, or driving, I have what I need to get the exercise and transportation that I would ever want.

This is where my fear of an open wound comes in.  This is not about how a little girl fell off her bike, but how a young woman had her heart broken.

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My ladies, my gentlemen, have you ever felt that?  That searing pain in your heart, that then runs through your whole body?  You spend nights crying yourself asleep, or in solitude, just thinking about everything that you shouldn’t be thinking about.  Whether from a lover, a boyfriend, girlfriend, family member, or friend.  You gave your all to someone, your heart, and they let it fall to bruise, or even worse, to break.  Leaving you with an open wound.  Do you know that feeling?  It fucking sucks.

How do you get over it?  Do you just let yourself feel for a bit? Wallow in that pain and pity?  I say you do.  I say it’s very necessary to feel that pain, and really get to know it’s capabilities over you.  Because, only till you understand what it can do to you, then you can overcome it.  Too many times you hear that people change, or that it’s already been a good amount of time for you to move on.  But I say, let yourself be the judge of that.  Busy up that time with only experiences and thoughts that make you feel wonderful.  They say those open wounds are great, for they allow new experiences to come through.  I like to say that’s true.  That one day, a new understanding, a new relationship, can help heal in the best possible way.  From the inside-out.

Your guard, keep it up.  High enough, for one who is meant to do whatever it takes to break it down, or just enough so you can peak over, and maybe check out who’s on the other side.  Don’t ever expect certain actions from others, but stay true to how you want to be treated.  Stand up for your beliefs, but understand your beliefs will make or break you, and no one else.  By that I mean, your beliefs may never get through some people, but that doesn’t mean maybe one day acceptance can not be the belief you both share.

I write this for those who still feel that pain, that fear.  That person or image that comes in your head, and still has your heart pounding.  Keep it in.  Let it out.  Forgive and don’t forget.  Do whatever it is you need to do.  I promise, I won’t tell you how long you got.  One day, you’ll surprise yourself.  With acceptance, you may never ride a bike again.  With strength, you will find another way to get wherever you desire to be.

Oh, and don’t forget to hug and be forever grateful for the people who take that ride with you.  The family and friends who are there will make for necessary, unforgettable experiences to let in.

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The fastest way to freedom is to feel your feelings. ~Gita Bellin

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